i dont want a relationship i want someone who likes the same tv shows as me and will make out w/ me
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Tattoo plans
Okey, so I have thought of this for a long time now. And I am ready to get tattoos.
I don’t know why I have waited for so long, I guess because of the lack of money and courage. But know I have finally called an artist I think is phenomenal, and he is very excited as well!
My tattoo plans are:
First - A right arm sleeve, with video-game themes. I want the Triforce, Ryu from Street Fighter, Sonic, Mario, Kirby and bunch of other great characters that I grew up with.
Second - An all black reversed cross on the back of my left leg
Third - My hands, The two dragons from Bubble bobble, Bob on the right hand and Bub on the left hand. And each dragon will hold an X (Straight Edge)
and after that I am not really sure of what to do, prehaps I will do a chestpiece, but it will have to wait. I am so excited!
Everyday, I try so hard to survive. And for each day that goes by, I become wiser, stronger and more brave. For each day that goes by, I grow. Sometimes it’s hard standing alone, and sometimes it’s hard being without the people you love the most. But I promise to grow, for them and for me.
This is me, doing a cover of a Staind song (I don’t even listen to them, but that song really caught my ear), and I am proud of myself for doing it. I hope you will enjoy it.
I’ve started to go to group therapy, and it feels so goddamn good.
We are a group of people that been through the same horrible experience, we have all been in a abusive relationship. And I have never really concidered my first relationship as abusive until recent years, espacially when I fell in love with this amazing woman, and she realized that I had a lot of fucking issues (trust, self esteem, being good enough, being blind, joking away serious stuff). And when I realized that I was the problem and that she found someone new, I broked down completly.
I felt like everything just fell apart. The year before my brother past away, and the only person that kept me through my whole 2013 was this girl, and to hear her say that I was a handfull and that I was not worth the struggle, it made me totally fucked. I was so torned and broken through out 2014.
When I was able to stand on my own again, I searched for help, to see how I could change my negative points. I have only been too three sessions with this group, but I have already realized that my first girlfriend (2006-2008) is the root of my lack of self esteem and trust issues.
She pushed me down and said that I had to change to be good enough for her, and I tried my best every time. I started to work out, cause she like buff guys. I started to read more, cause she wanted someone more intellectual. I cut my hair, cause she wanted me to have short hair. But I was still not good enough. She constantly talked about how good looking and smart and buff my friends/bandmates were. And because of that, I almost lost a really good friend, cause she always said that he was so good looking and that I should be more like him. And to know that I spent over two years for her makes me sick… Two fucking years. And she broke up with me cause she was cheating on me with someone else. Someone better…
Today, I know what I have to work on, and I know that I probably won’t meet someone like the girl who helped me through 2013. Someone with the same intrestes, but still a mind more beautiful then her looks. Someone that actually thinks that I am the most good looking person ever. Someone that likes all my corky things.
For me, love is dead. I don’t have the strength or the hope in my heart for love anymore. But I feel really ok with that. Cause I have love from the people that matter the most. My friends, my family, myself.
Please, just let me disappear
just let me fade away
and let me forget…
just like you have about me
December makes me confused as fuck. A part of me loves christmas and the time that I get to spend with my family. But I also hate it, cause I miss my big brother so much, and it’s not fair for me to open any presents without him. I fucking hate that you left this earth without me… I was supposed to tag along where ever you went, I was supposed to live with you through out 2013, being your roomie and play video games with you day and night.
Every year I fight, to make you proud of me. I fight to become as strong as you, to become as calm and beautiful as you. I have a long fucking road a head of me, and it’s a dark one. But somehow, even if you are not near me, you always light up the place, you always shine through every shadow I see.
I am kind of scared of New Years Eve. Every year since 2011 have started off really rough. I’ve been losing friends and loved ones like I’m losing sleep, and my heart becomes more tainted, more broken. But I constantly sing in my head “Forever more than just surviving, this is my life and this life is my diamond”…“Just love the world that won’t love you back”.
I know everything I am. I am a second hand choice, I am a failure, I am a beaten person, I am weak and I am a ghost.
But I am also brave, I am not afraid of being me and I will never give up on myself, cause I will fight. Fight off every fucking shadow. Because I may be a ghost with a heart of stone, but I will never give up and I will always fight, as long as I breathe.
There is only two bands in the world that made me cry. Stick To Your Guns, with their powerful song Diamond, the song I constantly sang for myself every morning after my brother passed away, just to get me up in the morning. The other band is Liferuiner. Johnnys words before their song 1990, always makes me tremble. It’s so powerful.
Their music have shown me that I am capable to feel. It’s thanks to bands like Stick To Your Guns and Liferuiner that I am still alive.
